Carpe Diem Sieze The Day

A New Address

2011-03-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well we DID get the new house. After 4 "we are closing this Friday" delays we finally closed. And even that was a day late. We were never called to the Title Company. They sent an email message at noon to advise us we had a meeting. Now I realize most people have email on their cell phones but I do not. So when we missed the meeting, we rescheduled for Tuesday. Moved on Wednesday. Closed out old apartment today. Set up computer today, still toying with the office.
This is a moment to be remembered.

2011-02-28T03:57:00.000-08:00

For a written presentation featuring my blog, I would prefer to use a different font. This one is so impersonal
Ok, now I can move on.
We are this close to getting a home. Vickie and I decided in October to go house hunting. After a couple of weeks we found the perfect one. Unfortunately it was a short sale with some impractical stipulations and it kept us on the hook for 4 months. Enough! We got dropped off of that sale and the next week we did find the perfect house. I know I said the first one was perfect. But it wasn't in hindset. A lot of fix ups.
The home we like is in Tolleson, AZ. It IS perfect. New paint inside and out, fully landscaped, new carpet, new tile, new granite countertops, new cupboards and kitchen - never used.We snatched that up and we're just waiting for a closing date. We hope it will be this week.

Photography, My Passion

2010-08-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

Now that I have decided to move on, I am focused even more on my photography. I have two pieces of my art on display at 1Voice Community Center in Phoenix Arizona. I am so proud and excited! My first displays in a gallery!!! And, . . . they asked for more.
I am always seeing photography that motivates me, Nancyj Hovey, Tony Sweet, Laura Swan, and let me not forget to mention Ansel Adams. However he did his amazing black and white photography without digital software, well it is pure genius.
I have to say I have developed an appreciation for art in general. My friend Darrell,the burlyboy blog that I watch, has amazed me with his artistry, mostly I like his erotic art, but his bronze sculptures are going to be large and in front of some public building someday I am sure.
My goal is to grow up in photography and master the Masters. Not that I will take away from their art, but to be their equal, in the "omg factor, that is amazing", that is my goal.

Moving On

2010-07-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am finally moving on. It's been long enough. Choosing the love of my life, Vickie, and leaving all my friends and family, was the toughest thing I've ever done. Some of my family is coming around. I am still trying to make friends. I am lonely for friends. Most of my friends are long distance and I really need some "let's go to lunch" friends, or better yet, "let's go shoot some pictures" friends.

Moving on means finally saying goodbye. I've mourned the loss long enough. These people don't deserve any more time. They wiped me out of their life and went on - it's time I let go.

I am going to school this semester. I missed last semester. I seem to have become a housewife and have forgotten my true calling to photography. So back to school I go. And back to the camera and computer for better photographs.

Moving on, maybe I should celebrate tonight! I think I shall.

The ONLY Way?

2010-05-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I did it. Why did I call someone from my past?
Maybe I just needed someone to tell me what to do. And oh they are so good at that. The problem with that is the advice comes with demands and stipulations..." This is the ONLY way and any deviation from that is not only wrong but disobedient".
Religion. Why couldn't I have been born in a home that taught God accepted homosexuality. That God not only loved me but abundantly poured out His blessings to those who seek Him, no matter what their sexual preference.
I understand why people don't believe in a personal God. I have believed in Him and served Him for 23 years, only to endure suffering and a broken heart. Then I met Vickie. She loved me like no other. She accepted me with all my faults. She thought I was wonderful. And we fell in love. I fell in love with a woman. A huge sin in my religion.
There has been conflict in my heart since I chose to commit this "ungodly" act. How can a love so pure as ours be outside of God's love?
I talk to gay christians who believe they are inside God's love, blessings and protection. They have such peace in their heart.
When will I let go of the teaching that there is only one theology and doctrine. I feel brainwashed. I want to be free from the condemnation of my faith.
Funny thing is Jesus came to set us free. Ever since I chose to follow Him I have been under so many rules I feel anything but free.
I know in my heart that I had I been taught differently I would not believe in this suffocating theology. So there is hope for me yet.
Because one thing is certain. I am in love with my woman. And I choose freedom. Freedom from the ONLY way.

This week I lost two more friends

2010-02-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

This week I lost two friends.

One was living with us by our good graces. He had no job. He showed little movitation to get a job. What was supposed to be 1 month became 2 and eventually the end came without kindness. Instead of appreciating what we gave him, he became vindictive, started telling stories about us and in general, hurt us very badly. Lies. You cannot have a relationship with someone who lies.

My other relationship was the last friend I had from my straight life. We had been friends for over 5 years. I knew our friendship was coming to an end. It had become very toxic. Everytime we spoke, I hung up sad, discouraged and frustrated. And NOW there was a more serious problem. He was entering into dangerous lifestyle. One that could seriously hurt himself and me. And so, I need to end the relationship. Oh, how this hurts.

Married Life

2009-10-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

Well, the wedding was beautiful. Absolute perfection, well, there was a minute flaw, ok, not so minute. The wedding music was compiled on my IPOD, which decided to die, that very day. So there was no wedding music. Our wedding dance was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Hilarious!
What is married life like? I am reminded of the Country Song - That's Life. Vickie is sick and hasn't worked since Sept. 15th, with no firm diagnosis or treatment plan. The Savings is gone, the credit cards have increased, I have gained weight, and now I have a kidney infection. That's Life.
The good news is we are so in love.
As the song says . . When the night has come and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light, we will see. No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid, just as long as you stand by me. And Darling stand by me, come on and stand by me, just as long as you stand by me. When the sky that we look upon shall tumble and fall all the mountains crumble shall crumble to the sea. I won't cry I won't shed a tear just as long as you stand by me Darling Stand by me. Stand by me. Just as Long as you stand by me. Darling, Darling, stand by me, just as long as you stand by me.
That sums up married life.

Funny Business

2009-09-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

Something funny is going on and it's not like me. I don't have the best sense of humor. I mean I laugh at other people but making people laugh is usually unintentional.
We are going camping tomorrow. Next weekend we have a reunion planned. The weekend following we will take a day trip to the Mongollon Rim. And the weekend after that we are getting married. Now that's the funny part! Because I am in love with and marrying a woman. I still can't get over that!
She is the most beautiful and wonderful woman I know. I love the lines and the curves of her body. Her eyes are the most beautiful blue, I could get lost looking in those eyes forever. In fact, I do. She is a hard worker and when she gets home she works hard to please me. Because sexually, I am in a candy store!
So yes, there is something funny going on. And it's ok. I'm marrying my dream come true. She just so happens to be a woman.

Dashushuria Ime Pergjithmone

2009-08-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

Forever my love (in Albanian). This is the vow I will take on October 4th, 2009, before our closest friends and family. I will commit to love my love, Vickie Lynn Dearth, as long as I have breath, as long as I have choice in life, I will love this beautiful woman forever. Pergjithmone.
I have to write vows for the wedding. For some reason this is very difficult to do . I have no problem telling her every chance I get, how very much I love her. Maybe this is something I will bring into the vows.
I Annette Marie, take thee, Vickie Lynn, to be my life partner, to love in word, action, and truth. I will tell you and show you every chance that I get, how very much you are loved. I promise to continue my life journey of growth, to become all that I am meant to be. In doing so I will do what I am meant to do, to love you forever. Pergjithmone.
I, Vickie Lynn, take thee, Annette Marie, to be my life partner, to love in word, action, and truth. I will tell you and show you every chance that I get, how very much you are loved. I promise to continue my life journey of growth, to become all that I am meant to be. In doing so I will do what I am meant to do, to love you forever. Pergjithmone.
There, the vows are finished. !

2009-08-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down or discouraged, I feel that the world should treat me better. Hell, in my small span of time, I have been here a long time. Yet the truth is that the world owes me nothing! IT IS MY LIFE. I chose to make it good or bad. Whatever I am given in life, whether it be sickness or health, it is up to me to make the most of what I've got.
Tenacity. Ambition. Hope. Love. Joy.

The Crazy Woman's Crazy Week

2009-08-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

The crazy woman, who is actually not crazy, but does crazy things, found herself thinking sad thoughts. Her new lover was simmering down. Just like new love does. It had been over 8 months and while the 48 year old crazy woman was like an adolescent, her lover was 36 and worked a very physical job in the Arizona heat. So she came home tired. Understandably.
But the crazy woman was bored. She attended college but couldn't get a summer class. So she had too much of her own company. And she had her disease. And once a month, hormones exacerbated her disease. And insomnia exacerbated her disease. And so she found herself thinking that she was unloved and undesired. Which couldn't be further from the truth.
In the mornings, when she and her lover were having their morning coffee, she had it in her mind that her lover was saying "I love you" less and less. She also dressed very provocatively every time her lover came home and felt that it went unnoticed. She was feeling neglected. And so the conversation came.
Poor Lynn. She told the crazy woman that she was loved and desired more than ever. But it was in the mind of Marie, (the crazy woman) and so she persisted. Until she finally made her cry. She said to Marie, "I don't think you want to marry me, I don't think I can make you happy".
Oh wow. This was even worse, thought Marie. Now she doesn't want to marry me. See how twisted her thoughts were. So she told her that was not true, she just had it in her head (it had been in her head for a long time). That afternoon she talked to some friends and she realized she was acting, well, crazy. So she told Lynn that she would never bring it up again.
There was such emotional pain on both sides. Marie committed in her mind that she would believe Lynn and everybody else who told her they had never seen Lynn so in love. And the hormones passed and Marie's mind calmed and she just was so embarrassed by her actions and her words. She prayed that next month she would be more rational. And as for now. Well. She clearly realized how much she was loved. She had just been acting crazy. Thinking crazy. It had been an awful week. And the wedding was only 7 weeks away.
Well, it is southwest America so it is not a legal wedding, but a commitment ceremony. And she better get on with writing those vows! She needed to learn how to be happy. After being in a very difficult and unhappy relationship for 22 years prior, it was a process to learn to be happy. And Lynn was making it easy because she was such a good lover.
Ah, another installment to come.

The Crazy Woman

2009-08-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

I know a woman I call the crazy woman. Oh I don't really say this aloud, but inside, I think to myself, this person is crazy. She really is not crazy but sometimes she does crazy things.
This woman has two brain disabilities. She has bipolar disorder and mild cognitive deficits due to blunt head trauma. Ok, you want to know how she sustained the blunt head trauma. She slipped and fell in the bathtub. Frontal lobe damage affected her personality.
She was at one time very analytical and somewhat boring. Now she is artistic and not at all boring. But, then again, weighing boring against crazy, which one has the advantage? Ah, but I digress.
At one time this woman was a paralegal. You have to be very organized and smart to be a paralegal. She had friends that were a lot like her. And she and her husband had a comfortable life because of the earnings they made.
Then she got sick. Depressed all the time. Sleeping too much. Social activities stopped. She didn't do anything but work and rest for the next day of work. This went on for about 3 years. Finally she could not even do that. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, two rare forms of the disease that refused to be managed. It got so bad that she was hopeless and began to think of suicide. She had a perfect plan but there was a glitch. She wanted to live. So she checked into a hospital, yes, the mental hospital, four times in a year.
Finally! She met a doctor who was able to treat the illness and she began to get back to living. She made some new friends and life looked promising. There was a future.
Then one day she was showering and fell. Yes, she hit her head. Although the fall wasn't bad the side effects were. Her personality completely changed. She was no longer organized, she was no longer analytical, she was no longer boring, and she completely lost a gift she had come to rely on to function in society - pretense.
This was not good because she could no longer pretend to like her husband of almost 20 years. She didn't even like her dog. That's pretty bad. A small, cute but disobedient little dog. Nope. She didn't even like her dog.
But oh, a whole new world opened up to her. She was given a camera by the husband that she didn't like and she began to take great photographs. Well, everyone said they were great, and she thought so. And that was important for a change.
She and her husband went into marital counseling for probably the fourth round in their marriage, but after two years she realized that she just wasn't in love with him any more. So this is the crazy thing. She left him.
And she was happy.
More to come.

A Cellphone ~ The Price of Friendship

2009-08-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

Albania. Where the heck is Albania? These were my thoughts as I met my new neighbors downstairs. There were five in the family. In a two bedroom apartment. Three teenagers and the parents. They were all so polite and beautiful. I couldn't get over how beautiful that family was.

One morning, as I was rocking out to very loud music, it occurred to me to be a good neighbor. So I knocked on the door one morning, introduced myself, and asked if my music was too loud. The father said music is good. He gave me a big smile and I knew I would love these people!

I learned later that they spoke very little English, the youngest child, only 14, spoke well and so he was the designated translater. A role he didn't enjoy. I wanted to communicate with this new family. It appeared that they had no family or friends, their home had very little furniture and no pictures on the wall. I was looking for a mission and they moved in downstairs! It became my mission to teach them how to function comfortably and knowledgeably in America.

I downloaded an Albanian language program and began to learn to speak Albanian. This was no small feat. I have a traumatic brain injury and learning this very difficult language was indeed, very difficult. But the rewards were plentiful. They were so thrilled. They felt loved. I felt needed.

I found them beautiful things for their home. I went dumpster diving and found brand new bedding, still in the bag, Van Gogh prints in large beautiful frames, and Victoria's Secret Perfume. It was fun, making their house a home. I became Mami Numer Dy (Mommy Number Two) and invested myself into their lives, helping with homework, buying school clothes for the young lady and school supplies for them all.

I became friends with the kids. See along with my head injury, I had a side effect that causes me to be like an adolescent. I get bored with most adults. I like to play like a teenager. So we were friends. We swam, we stole lemons from public lemon trees, we played ball, we went to the park, we just had fun. Which was something different for them because they never went anywhere.

The parents were very prestigious in Albania but since they didn't speak the language they couldn't do their professions here. They had to be dishwashers and they worked so hard. They became depressed with the hardship of their new life in America and so I tried to make life fun for the kids.

As I learned the language I begame the designated translator. I helped them with problematic business situations, I escorted them to their doctor appointments, I helped the kids with their homework. I was very involved with this family. I loved them.

I added two of the kids to my cell phone plan. Heck, it was only 20 extra a month, why not? But it really didn't add up to 20 dollars, it kept rising, and it became a source of contention when I had to charge them 10 dollars a month. Never mind I was paying $50 per month. I overlooked it. Until, well, until things began to change.

I was about to make the biggest change in my life. I had left my husband of 22 years, we didn't have marital love for a long time. That was a BIG deal for my friends. They couldn't believe that I would leave my husband. And to make matters worse, I met and fell in love with the most wonderful person on this planet, who just so happens to be a woman.

I hate the word homophobic, I find it overused and misappropriated. But these guys were homophobic. I know other Albanians who have no problem with the gay population, but these guys were just appalled. It was awful.

Rather quickly, things began to unravel. My young friend stood up for me and she fought hard to keep me "in the family". But it was not the same. Although she was 18, she couldn't come out with me, not to my house, she could not be alone with me.

I was doing ok with it, visiting her with her brother present but the day came when I had to discontinue the phone service. The rates had changed and I simply could not afford to keep them. There were cross words. Then there were no words. No calls. No return calls. No nothing. No phone, no relationship.

They lost their cell phones and I lost a family.